Shay's

So, the other day I decided to eat lunch at a Pub called "Shay's" (which reminds me of something I need to post about soon) I sat at the bar next to these three women who were chatting up about one of their boyfriends who is in med school and wants the woman to see his cadaver. Charming restaurant talk.

Anyway, five minutes later this man sits next to me, his name is Alan. He starts talking to me about teh Earthquake in Indonesia. We start discussing Plate Techtonics! He says "you aren't from Maine are you?"

I inquired why he asked and he said it was because I could actually carry on a conversation about plate techtonics with him. Then he said something to me in a foreign language. "You speak yiddish" I asked him.

"Yes," he said "and you confirmed my suspicion." Apparently I reacted like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar when he spoke yiddish to me.

So I met another Jew, who seems to be intelligent too in Maine...but then...

He touches my arm and asks me if people give me a hard time about being so thin and if I was insecure about it. I said "If it bothered me, I wouldn't be wearing short sleeves."

Now I have a suspicion...

"You're gay aren't you..."

"Well, gay implies a lifestyle, I just enjoy having sex with men."

OH BOY...the first person to make a pass at me at a bar in Maine and its a guy. Ugh.

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Enormous Omelet Sandwich

I have at least two food weaknesses.
First, breakfast foods. We even talked about having waffles at our wedding. Next, sandwiches. I'll make anything into a sandwich. It drives Peg crazy.

So today, Burger King released the "Enormous Omelet Sandwich" -- a perfect combo:



Except that Penny Kris-Etherton at Penn State says "Americans do not need an Enormous Omelet Sandwich".

Wait a minute, I'm an American!

Excuse me. Who does Penny Kris-Etherton think she is telling me that I don't need a breakfast sandwich larger than my fist??

So I googled her:



Her profile at PennState lists her as "Distinguished Professor", making me suspicious to begin with -- why else would you add distinguished to your title?

Then, I notice she lists interests of "The effects of diet on plasma lipid and lipoprotein metabolism and platelet function"....

That's it, she just needs to get out more and have some ribs instead of looking into platelet function. Myself, I'm going to do some more research on this need for an "Enormous" omelet sandwich.

So, what's your favorite food that there is no earthly need to eat?

4

Only 4 miles on the new truck... I'll add pictures later.

I put more miles on it when I took it for a test drive. This means I'm the only person outside of Chevy to ever drive it. Woot!

It's not as big and orange as David's new truck, but I also haven't gotten pulled over twice in the first week I've had it ;-)

And an update...
The BMW hit 52,500 miles this week (that's 2,500 miles since November).

Where's PETA?

So we all knew that second hand smoke has Tar and Arsenic and Formaldehyde...but Snails and Puppy Dog Tails Too! I am so glad I don't smoke, I couldn't deal with smoking puppies.

Isn't It Ironic

I get into arguments all the time with people over the definition of IRONIC. Most people simply substitute “coincidence” for Irony, except one person. Alanis Morissette uses Irony to describe any phrase coincidental or unfortunate that fits it to a wretched melody in the key of B.

Here is a good way to differentiate Irony from Coincidence.

You bump into someone in the supermarket and strike up a conversation with him or her. You graduated the same high school, but never knew each other. Wow, what a coincidence.

George Washington was the father of our country…BUT he was STERILE! That means he couldn’t father children, but he fathered a nation! That’s IRONIC.

Irony implies a change in the perception of meaning. Coincidence is just the intersection of two events or facts.

Here is another good example of irony; I’ve alluded to in a previous post. New Hampshire’s state motto is “Live Free or Die.” This phrase appears on all of the license plates in the state. People in jail (who do not live free and are not dead) have to stamp “Live Free Or Die” on all the license plates. There’s some more irony for you!

SO, today while at the doctor I found another Gem!

This soap container advertises VIAGRA.

But it dispenses SOFT Soap!




Oh and in case you’re inner dialogue is saying “Oh wait Chuck, what about Dramatic Irony.” Well, in film, TV or theater that’s when one-character talks about something that the audience knows about, but the character doesn’t. Like lets say in Act I scene 1 the woman cheats on her husband…and in scene 2 the husband is at lunch with his buddy talking about what a loyal devoted spouse he has. Yeah pal, that’s what you think ;)

Oh and if your inner dialogue still thinks that Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic” had a single irony in it, you must be Canadian, or worse yet…French.

They have their scent, I want mine!

Ok, would you like your house to smell like Jesus did? A company called HIS ESSENCE can make it happen with their candles that are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia just like PSALM 45:8 says Jesus' robes were.

Now if you can get JESUS scented candles I think that theoretically Yankee Candle can accomodate my requests. I want candles that smell like some of our favorite scents that we may not go about bragging we enjoy. Namely MAGIC MARKER, GASOLINE, WHITE OUT and who can forget the child hood favorite CAPS!!! Also, New Sneakers, Vinyl, New Carpet, Rubber Cement/Laquer Thinner would be cool!

Any suggestions? Lets start a letter writing campaign!

Live's Mom's Dream Come True...

To celebrate mother's day Regis and Kelly are making Mom's dream come true.


All you have to do is...

Send a short letter of one page or less describing your mom or "mom" equivalent, her/his wish and why you think "Live" should make that dream come true. Be sure to include the name, address and phone numbers (daytime and evening) of you and your nominee, as well as a recent photo of you together. Mail your complete submission to:

MOM'S DREAM COME TRUE
Ansonia Station
P.O. Box 234041
New York, NY 10023-9495

-----


Hmmm, what should I do for my mom? Dear Regis and Kelly, my mom's wish is that someone will whack her and my dad won't have to pay alimony anymore?

Or should I send two seperate pics of my mom and me...Dear Regis and Kelly. I haven't spoken with my mother in 5 years, her wish is to have a relationship with me...can you send her a box of Entenmann's Cookies and tell her "No hard feelings, but it ain't gonna happen."

Another Protest, Anyone?

Ok, so in a previous post I mentioned there were some protestors in Monument Square. They were against the war and were giving away food to help feed the homeless. They were back on Thursday.

It occured to me when I walked by them with their big signs reading "End Starvation" and "Make Food NOT Bombs" that they are not creative enough to see the solution to both problems.

If it weren't for a co-worker I was on my way to have lunch with I would have clued them in.

YOU CAN END STARVATION WITH BOMBS TOO!!!

In fact using bombs to reduce starvation results in ARMS REDUCTION as well. SERENDIPTY! Its a beautiful thing creative thought is, hopefully everyone will be blessed with it in our next evolutionary cycle.

Weiner Wallet

It's a little pricy at $ 40.00, but it's still cool.

Colleen's Downy Project

My friend's Chris, Doug, Erin and Colleen live in Oceanport. They are like my second family. Whenever I visit home they welcome me into their house and have even taken Downy when I have done some travelling. Oh and they have the cutest Great White Pyranese named Snowy!

Snowy and Downy really get along, despite the fact that Downy would be a 2 or three bite, in between meal snack for Snowy.

Colleen is one of the few people Downy has ever bitten...despite this Colleen decided to make Downy the star of her 3rd Grade discovery project for school.

We filmed Downy, editted the footage down and then I had Colleen narrate the video. I editted down and mixed it with a drum beat and here it is the final project in all its glory!

Incidentally, Collen wants to hook me up with her teacher, whom I have never met. She wrote a note to persuade her too. It was mostly a soft sell like "my friend CJ lives in Maine..." or "he plays guitar and has a rabbit," but it also featured a hard sell such as...

"he has dark hair and blue eyes and he's not fat."

I would have been so in if Chris didn't intercept the note ;)

Man Jumps off Bridge, gets $1 Million!

A MAN who became a paraplegic at 14 when he dived off a road bridge into a New South Wales river was awarded more than $1 million in damages today...

Why? The Judge said "I am satisfied that the signs were not effective in the sense that large numbers of young people continued to dive, do somersaults, etc from the bridge,"

How do you stop kids from being assholes? In exchange for the $1 Million they paid the loser they should get pictures of him in a wheel chair, pictures of him getting his ass wiped by someone else and pictures of him not feeling anything while getting laid. (You know, like him in a wheel chair shrugging with his hands in the air like "this is supposed to feel good" with just a womans head visible in his lap) These should be placed near the bridge with a caption "Warning, Jumping Off A Bridge Into Shallow Water Can Be Dangerous, Just Ask Mr Dederer, from Newcastle."

At least that way they make an example out of him and get somehing for their $1 Million.

Click Here for the Story.

Save Mandy?

So I'm sure you've all seen those ebay auctions to help raise money to pay off some poor girl's bills or something (hint, guys, those girls are actually guys).

Here's a slightly new tactic: www.savetoby.com.

David and I were thinking.... we could do "Save Mandy", whereby if you don't donate at least enough money for us to buy new Chevy Colorados, we'd let Downy stay over and have her way with Mandy.

Doubt we could raise that much? Save Toby already has over $18,000.00!

Jobs

We've hired people to inspect sidewalk cracks, but there are still some jobs that just make me wonder:

Check out this Job in Texas

I'm not sure Chuck has the necessary experience for that one. They'll probably hire some local expert.

The trip home...

While on my way home from NJ to ME on Sunday I was on the Mass Pike just east of the Charlton rest area when the car in front of me hit a pothole and spit out a HUGE rock at my car. It hit my plate, as you can see in this picture.

As you could probably see in the other picture, but better in this one, the rock deflected downward into the air intake and hit the radiator! Oh and there is the rock sitting right there, still in that small space.

Where is Chuck??

You might wonder why Chuck hasn't been posting much lately. Well, the key might be in this picture he sent me:



If you visit, bring your snow blower.

Animal Lover?

Pet owners are a little crazy. As a pet owner, I know this. If you've seen Chuck's cell phone, you'll know this as well (I'm not talking about the pictures from the Bachelor's Party, I'm talking about the bunny pictures).

But for those of you that need more, here are some items from www.funstufffordogs.com:



The Treat Machine

Because at least pulling the handle they'll get some exercise...


Fido Float Swim Aid

In case you ever wanted to swim with your dog, but thought they needed an aid? Ok, I'm not sure I know anyone who would want that.

But finally, for those of you who love the Listerine Pocket Packs, and have been waiting for the same for your dog:


Breath Strips for Dogs

I can't make this stuff up.

Jewcy Shirts

Lets say you moved to Maine, and you don't get enough Hebrew related items. Well, thanks to the Internet you can take care of your Jewish needs.

Be the first on your block to wear your very own Manischewitz Shirt. Or perhaps you want to proclaim Make bagels, not war.

Whatever floats your boat. I'm still laughing at the logo:

Slower in the South

Things really do go slower in the south...

"We don't do Lincoln Day Dinners in South Carolina," Senator Graham told a Lincoln Day gathering in Tennessee Saturday. "It's nothing personal, but it takes awhile to get over things."

"Getting Over Lincoln"

Fire!

Whoah! Now you know why you don't want to use water on an electrical fire!

Or wait, maybe this just tought you TO do that....

Picky Homeless People

Ok, so we had our 16th snowstorm of the season last night. Fun fun fun...

So, do plow drivers in Maine wait at the corner of your street, for you to finish shovelling the front of the driveway, so they can come by and dump more snow in the front that you have to shovel away again? Yes, yes they do...In NY I think they got paid extra to do that.

After I got in to work, there was a homeless guy in the stairwell of the parking garage. He said he couldn't walk and asked me to call an ambulance, so I called 911. His name was Robert, I think he slept in the stairwell the night before. The 911 operator asked me the location, and I said it was the garage at monument square between Congress St and Free St...pretty specific location.

"I hope they can find you..." said the dispatcher.

I asked Robert when the last time he ate anything was and he said "A Long Time Ago." So I offered him my yogurt... "I can't eat that" he said.

What? Hell if I hadn't eaten in a while I woulnd't be picky, but the homeless in Portland will only take, Sushi, Buluga Caviar and Foie Gras.

Meanwhile, from his grungy coat he produced a cigarette. I don't know about you, but if I were homeless I wouldn't bum cigarettes off people, I'd be like "hey buddy, got a hot dog?" But maybe thats just me.

Email Addressing

So, someone tried to send a user on the site email, but incorrectly typed their email address. When this happens, it comes to me, so I can sort it out.

Today, I got one that was a typo, someone was trying to send someone else a joke. It's the standard "Husband Superstore"

Glancing at the email addresses and who this joke had been forwarded, it seems that no work is getting done today at the NJ Department of Homeland Security.

I must applaud Dena Bonfonti at NJ Cure Auto insurance; it looks like she only sent it to her sister.

-----Original Message-----
From: Iris G Schubert [mailto:Iris.Schubert@dhs.state.nj.**]
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2005 1:51 PM
To: Caroline Brandecker; Diane Leder; Freida Sessoms; Lomax, Karen; Maria Soto
Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: Fw: Husband Super Store]]

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Husband Super Store]
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:37:40 -0500
From: Linda M Bonfonti
Organization: New Jersey Department of Human Services
To: Wilda D Gore ,Venus G White ,Patricia Gore ,Olga L Morales ,Maryann Angarone ,Lisa M Procaccini ,Iris G Schubert ,Donna J Picerno

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Fw: Husband Super Store
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:07:30 -0500
From: Dena Bonfonti
Reply-To: Dena Bonfonti
Organization: NJCURE Auto Insurance
To: Linda M Bonfonti

Read this it's true and funny!!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jill Coiro"
To: "Lauren Lewandowski (E-mail)" ; "Dena Bonfonti (E-mail)"
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2005 12:56 PM
Subject: FW: Husband Super Store

> GIRLS
> HOW TRUE HOW TRUE
> READ IT - ITS WORTH IT
> JILL

And so on, this went on for several more pages... what have we learned?

First, be very careful when you type in email addresses.

Second, dear god please don't send joke email from your work address.

Tomato / Skattergories

Having solved all major issues facing the state of New Jersey, a state Senator from Marlboro proclaims about a tomato: "Yes, indeed it's a vegetable, legally, maybe not botanically," Karcher said.

This is because even though the tomato is a fruit (good fact to remember if you need a "T" fruit in Scattergories), a state Assembly panel is mulling whether the tomato should be designated the state vegetable.

Our tax dollars at work ;-)

Speaking of Skattergories, did you know there was a "Bible Edition"?

Look at how fancy the boards are. Crosses, Stars of David, and all sorts of other doodles.

Vacation

Usually, Peg lets me plan the vacations we go on. I enjoy it and it lets me really daydream about places to go, while she can daydream about me taking a few days off of work.

I often end up planning something more adventurous then my "normal" life -- such as the infamous snowmobiling. I go on all the options, I want to see everything. Even the 47th waterfall stop. I'll hike over a hill to see it, no problemo.

I know, it confuses people.

But this year, I think I found a vacation that fits my style and it may even tempt Chuck. Check out the Peg-and-Andrew 2005 vacation, and let me know what you think!

Hard Core

You know, sometimes things aren't what you expect online.

Generally speaking, I would not click on anything that has "hard core" in it's title. But if you feel a little daring: check out this hard core action.

Thought about getting one for Peg for our anniversary.

Alyssa

So, if you've ever talked to my sister, you'll know that even talking to her, you'll have no idea what she does. Well, now we have video.

Watch for yourself.

Track Neil

Track Neil's progress.

Click on "Maptrack" to see him on the map.

---

Update:
Neil finished in 4:48:56!




Some of his placement results:

Overall: 6198
Gender: 4774
Division: 540

His pace was 11:01.

Woo Hoo!

Protests In Monument Square

Portland's Monument Square is a very popular place to protest. This afternoon I saw a bunch of people picketing for the rights of the homeless. It got me thinking.

I want to get a bunch of people in Monument Square to protest stupidity. Most of our signs would read "Stop promoting stupidity...Monument Square is a fucking TRIANGLE!"


This is Monument Square...told yuh its a triangle. (View from Space)

Help Wanted...

We did a recruitment spot for our promotions department yesterday. I tweeked the script a lottle with Tori and Mark to make sure the job description was a little more accurate.

Take a listen!

Anniversaries

This day in 1999, I met the woman who would become my wife.

We met online, in a chat room, and chatted for months. When we finally got a chance, I drove down to meet her, thinking I'd get a good friend.

What I got was much greater; I found the love of my life.


When we got married last year, we got to celebrate this love with our loved ones. We gained a new anniversary, and a new special day.

But I'll never forget our first. March 5, 1999.

Marathoning

Neil (more normal than Chuck) is doing it again! This Sunday he will be running in hte LA Marathon.

In his own words:

Hello from sunny LA! :) Just in case anyone is bored out of their skull this coming Sunday and wish they only had something exciting to do - wish no more!

Here's the solution - my race number is 12305 - you can check my progress online at www.lamarathon.com.

He won't hear you screaming for him, but feel free to do so anyway.

Vault

Everyone knows how much Joann likes the Disney Vault:

JOANN: i bought bambi
JOANN: before they went and put it back in the vault
JOANN: f****** disney got nothign on me
JOANN: night

Pete's Penny...

My friend Bill and I decided to order Pizza and Calzones from Ricetta's in South Portand. They are right around the corner from my apartment and supposedy have really good pizza. To be honest, it was the best Pizza I have had in Maine. And Bill, who grew up in Boston...said its the best Calzone he had in Maine too. So those are quite the endoresments...

Anyway...

When we went to pick up the food the clerk looked at an order on the counter and asked me "Are you Pete?"

I told her I was Chuck. She looked at the other order on the counter and gave us our food.

"That's $22.99" She said. Bill and I gave her $23. Then she gave me my penny.

I told her..."Give it to Pete...tell him Chuck says hi."

mmmmm yeah.

There's nothing like watching Robin complaining about the Batprinter.

The Superfriends acting out scenes from Office Space.

Make your best "O" face.

A New York Jew Walks Into...

A BAGEL PLACE in Portland, ME. Why? Because the sign says NEW YORK STYLE BAGELS!

So, I order a Garlic bagel with butter. The woman says "Would you like that toasted?"

WHAT?

I reply...The sign outside says New York Style Bagels.

She seemed puzzled. "Yes, we make our bagels New York Style." I ask her to explain what she means. "We boil the dough before we bake it so the insides are soft and chewy and the outside is nice and crusty."

"Exactly, so why would I ruin that by toasting it?" Cut in half a bagel and toast it and where is the chewy doughy texture you crave?

UGH...

I had to explain that we don't toast bagels in NY unless they are frozen. And eating frozen bagels is really an act of desperation ;)